Musing on a Monday {Pick & Mix}

Isn't pick & mix great? The way you can choose the sweets you really like and avoid those you don't? Wouldn't it be great if we could fill our paper bag of life with the best bits? If only it was that simple.

In an ideal world our bag of sweets would contain our favourite picks but occasionally a piece of confectionary may fall in we don't really like.

Musing on a Monday {Smell the strawberries & blow out the candle}

Saturday morning and following a chain of events I found myself in the kitchen crying - as you sometimes do when you're a 39 year old highly strung and emotional female. The children were upstairs, but they still managed to hear me. My girl came down, tiptoed up behind me, wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me tight.
She quietly said to me;

"Mummy, to stop crying you should smell the strawberries and blow out the candle."
 

Running Diary {Medals & Plans}

I turned over a new leaf of the calendar today and smiled to myself as a new month lay ahead. A fresh page on the calendar already filled in. Filled in mostly with my running plans - including a run on Christmas Day. Christmas Day!! What has happened to me? Never in a month of Sundays would I have once thought I would be running on Christmas Day. Or even running every week. Or running three times a week. Or have a half marathon lined up - well, actually two. But it appears I am a changed woman. My washing airer is constantly full with running tights, skins, sports bras and vests. My shoe cupboard now has running shoes galore - I even sacrificed a new pair of DMs this Winter for a pair of new Nikes! Any spare pennies I find go quickly as I sign up for Virtual Runs to keep me ticking over. My Christmas present this year has been used up about ten times over signing up for a 10k, two half marathons and buying a back up pair of new Nikes - I still would like a Buff if you're reading this lovely husband!

So, back to the half marathon. I have signed up to take part in the Bath Half on March 13th 2016. I am running it for my own personal challenge having been stuck at the 10k mark since the Race for Life back in July. I am running it to prove I can get my niggly knee up to a longer distance - stubborn I know. I am running it to raise money for the new Bath RUH Cancer Centre - a hospital that has provided support and care to someone very special in our family. I am running it because This Girl Can - hopefully!

I returned, emotional, from a 10k (6.2 mile) run this morning and turned to social media and posted the following...

When you head out for a 5 miler and realise at 4 miles in that it's December and you may as well push on for the 10k Virtual Race. Then at 5 miles your knee niggles just a little but you think it's fine. Then at 5.6 it's screaming at you and you think just half a mile to go. Then at 6.1 it clicks that 10k is actually 6.2miles so you swear yourself round the last tenth of a mile. Then your neighbour walks past and says "You look knackered how far have you run?" "Just the six miles" I reply through clenched teeth. "Blinking hell! " Then you walk past his mum who comments "I didn't recognise you, you look so slim!" Then you realise your knee isn't screaming anymore and you seem to have recovered. Then you look at your watch and realised you've smashed your PB so you grin like a loon back home to unpack your medal. That!

Let's talk about the medals for a moment.

Back in May, following my return to giving running another go after bailing on it last year due to my niggly knee, I challenged myself with a 5k goal. But I needed a reward, a dangling carrot if you like, so I signed up to my first virtual run with Virtual Runner UK and Run Mummy Run. I wrote about it here if you want to learn more but basically the dangling, shiny bling is all I need! Once I had completed a couple of 5ks I was hooked and challenged myself to get to the 10k and took part in Race for Life and another virtual run in August - for which I got some rather lovely medals for...

Then my knee niggles kicked in again so I had to cut back on the mileage and incorporate a plethora of stretching routines into my daily life. But I needed another goal and getting back up to 10k was what I needed to do by December in order for my half marathon plans to keep ticking over nicely. And today was the day - completely unplanned, completely emotional, but I got there.

And this running malarkey is so emotional! It's hard to explain but I have literally shed blood, sweat and tears on some runs - not necessarily due to pain but sheer emotions.

Running is my escape, my free therapy, my me time, my challenge.

x x x  



Musing on a Monday {Be brave}

This popped up on my Facebook timeline today...



 

...and it got me thinking.

Which is always dangerous.

 

As I went through each statement questions and thoughts appeared in my mind.

Don't settle... for second best? How many of us settle for what we have? Should we strive for the better options? Is the grass greener? OR...Should we work at what do we have? Be thankful for what we do have? Appreciate and love what we do have?

Is that settling?

Say how you feel... Gosh, this makes me smile to myself. Opening up my feelings is way better than bottling them up but am I always heard? Intent on being a different mother than my own I positively voice my feelings to my children; most commonly telling them I love them morning, noon and night. Negative feelings come out too and I let the tears fall in front of them; yes, Mummy gets sad. My girl, more often than not, is the first one to pick up on what I need and her arms wrapped around me is one of the best feelings in the world.

Find your passion... Such an emotive word. My family are my passion. My children are my passion. But, away from family, my passion that drives me has been recently found via the local pavements and a pair of Nikes. Running has become my personal drive and passion; a time to escape, challenge myself, clear my mind, be fulfilled.

Be true to yourself... Am I completely honest with myself about how I feel? Do I follow what I believe rather than what I am told to believe? The older I get the more I am becoming more comfortable with who I am and am less concerned about what others think.

Leave the job you hate... Hate is such a powerful word and such a powerful feeling. Imagine being in a job you truly hate. My job doesn't make me massively happy at the moment, although I do have good days. Doing what I do I simply can't be outwardly miserable - but it does build up inwardly. Elements of my job I do hate, elements of my job I love - but for now it can't be left.

Stand up for things that matter... Being quite an introverted type I've always stood back from voicing my opinions for fear of being shot down, or being wrong. But can an opinion be wrong? If it matters to me than surely it can be right? But how to stand up for things that matter? What can I say or do and to whom? A letter to my MP, a petition signed, a view put across at work. It's something, yes? 

Don't apologise for who you are... How many times do I apologise when putting my point across? How many times do I start my argument - "I'm sorry but..."? This is who I am and this is how I'm feeling and these are words I want to say. Stop apologising woman!

Love with every ounce of your bones... This I don't need to question.

 

Am I brave?

I think it can be worked on.

 

x x x



Routine: Do we need it?

As the alarms started to go off again for another structured day - I only have one day when the damn thing is switched off - I muttered to myself, quite loudly,
"I'm fed up with being a slave to routine."
"But we need it", the husband replied chirpily.

"Do we?"
"DO WE??!"

There was a time I would thrive on it.
I liked it.
I wasn't a mum then...

Alarm.
Shower.
Breakfast.
Leave for work.
Notice a familiar car go by earlier in the journey than usual.
Check clock - damn, I'm a minute behind on my routine.
Get to work.
Set up.
Check stuff.
Work starts.

My line of work has always been routine driven.
It's hard to avoid with teaching and timetables.

School starts.
Break time.
Snack time.
Lunch time.
Home time.
Meetings time.
Marking time.
Planning time.
Go home.

Then the babies arrived:
Wake up times.
Nap times.
Feed times.
Activities time.
Iggle Piggle time.
Bed time.
Sleep.
Repeat.

Then they go to school:
Alarm.
Get up.
Shower.
Wake the kiddos.
Remind the kiddos to get dressed.
Make breakfast.
Make packed lunches.
Check the clock.
Holler at the kiddos to get dressed.
Eat.
Teeth.
Shoes.
Coats.
Remind children to put their coats on.
Holler at the kiddos to put their coats on.
Walk to school.
Notice a familiar car go by earlier in the journey than usual.
Check watch- damn, we're a minute behind on our routine.
Wave goodbye.
Walk home.
Write a list for the day.
Shop.
Bake.
Meal prep.
Do the laundry.
Prepare for work days.

All the time watching the clock as it ticks ever closer to 3 o'clock...

Walk to school.
Walk home.
Homework.
Sort tea.
Eat tea.
Bath.
Story time.
Bedtime for kiddos.
Clear up mess.
Husband comes home.
Has his tea.
Clear up mess.
Collapse in bed.
Sleep.
Repeat.

Work days alter the routine - oh the excitement.
Then it's a case of clock watching in order to charge back to pick up the kiddos from After School Club or to relieve Grandma who in turn needs to get back to her own routines looking after her home and Granddad.
You see, it never seems to end.

As I drafted this post earlier in bed I lost track of time.
The husband comes upstairs and asks, "Are you going to have a shower?"
It's 7:06.
Shit, behind routine already.

And so it goes on.
And on.
And on.

Routine.
Do we need it?

Some days I wished we had bought this when we saw it for sale and just packed everything up and went on a never ending journey...

x x x

Happy June!

A new month.
A new positive me.
The sun is shining so no excuses.
Be healthier.
Be happier.
Be better.

x x x

Death and 'What ifs?'

Just over two weeks ago it happened.

We were oblivious, busy enjoying the sunshine in the garden.

A whole day spent outside painting my shack with Edith. I cannot recall the last time I stayed in the garden for so long.

So why didn't we hear anything?

What if the husband hadn't fired up the noisy lawn mower in the morning?

What if we had looked across the garden more closely?

What if I wasn't enjoying myself so much and chatting and laughing with Edith?

What if we had noticed that the tinkering in the workshop had stopped?

What if we had questioned why the van was still there but there was no sign of him outside?

What if the dogs had barked and raised the alarm?

What if the last sound he heard was us enjoying ourselves?

What if that freezing cold blanket of air that wrapped around me at lunchtime made me question why?

What if we hadn't joked about ghosts and wondered more?

What if I actually went round to ask for that help I wanted to fix my shack?

 

Maybe, just maybe we would have found him earlier.

Maybe, just maybe we could have helped.

Instead we were helpless and I feel haunted.

And so, so sorry.

 

We said goodbye with his family and loved ones giving him the most beautiful send off. Selfishly I hoped that would be closure but still I cannot erase that afternoon, that moment of realisation, that face.

I went out after the funeral and got far too drunk in his past local, sat on a stool crafted by him, felt guilty for relaxing.

I jump at noises in the night, get anxious being at home, dread going outside in the garden.

We were so close but too far away to help.

I'm so sorry.

Sleep peacefully Rich.

x x x

 

Happiness is....

Happiness is....

....losing another pound in the challenge to get to single figures on the dreaded scales.

....a perfectly soft, and chewy in all the right places, flapjack after a workout.

....the realisation that life is actually too short not to enjoy a slice of flapjack.

....the realisation that the number on the scales isn't the be all and end all.

....having a day off at the end of this week - like gold dust in my line of work.

....having a family holiday next week that doesn't involve a tent.

But sod all that.

These arrived in the post today so I'm on countdown until I get myself some me time with another Prosecco fuelled train trip to London!

 

x x x

 

Motivational Words

I haven't blogged about it in a while but I've still been plodding slowly away in the background trying to grind away those pesky pounds. I had that initial burst, a lull, and then slowly, but surely things started to change as posted about here.
It continues to be an up and down journey and I've never declared the words, "I'm on a diet", as that would guarantee failure.
I've watched with interest posts about the 5:2 diet but just know I would not cope on the fast days running around after 6 year olds at work.
Being at work is easier. Breakfast is a bowl of Granola, for lunch I take in a box of healthy crudités - cucumber, carrot, cherry tomatoes, celery, grapes - a small pot of hummus and a few breadsticks, I forgot the latter yesterday and still survived, then I eat at 5 with the children where I have significantly cut down my portion size and refuse to hoover up their leftovers!
Currently I am back in the zone of exercising, once the children are down for the night. It is this that often gives first and I continue to be an 'All or Nothing' type.
This morning I stepped onto the scales and am so close to crossing the two-digit number barrier - you work it out! - and this motivates me to carry on.

I also look on my Motivation - the words Pinterest board for some arse kicking words of advice when I feel I'm about to slip.

And when I look like that I will be posting a picture!

 

So, what's your motivation?

 

x x x

 

All the above images can be found here from where the original source of image can be located.

Class

This week the Great British class calculator has been doing the rounds with people either gloating, being despondent or genuinely surprised at its results. I obviously had to have a go, and I may have secretly started to compare myself to other results I saw floating about online. One interesting thing I discovered was that people I knew were spanning the whole seven groups from Elitist to Precariat. Make what you like from that.

If you're interested I came out slap bang in the middle as a New Affluent Worker which apparently makes me 'young, from a working class background and a home owner'. Well, one of those is definitely right; I'm a houseowner. I don't know what the criteria for 'young' is but I feel I may have shifted out of that one by now. And as for the class? I remember my sociology A-level tutor making the statement that I was middle class due to my dad being an accountant. A sweeping generalisation maybe and I don't how true that really was. I was however raised comfortably, my dad worked hard and funded my university education, a fact my husband has always used to have a dig at me, we went to National Trust properties, we were season ticket holders at Norwich City Football Club, we had holidays on the North Norfolk coast - never going abroad as my dad would say "There's far too many lovely places to see in our country". All in all a balanced upbringing not wanting for much.

Housework & Brownie Points

I came across this blog post on Pinterest and pinned it to my Inspiring/Words board to hopefully give me some inspiration to cheer myself up around the house. Let's see.

10 Simple Things to Make You Happier At Home

www.apartmenttherapy.com

Point 7 made me chuckle.

'Do small favors for your housemates, expecting nothing in return (not even a thank you!). (That's right, I said it: nothing!) Mow the lawn for your husband, but don't expect him to pat you on the back. Make the bed for your wife, but don't try to get bonus points for it.'

Slowly but surely

It's taking time but it's getting there.

Over the last three months I have reduced my daily calorie intake and upped my exercise levels. I wouldn't say I've been on a strict diet but I have made sensible choices.

I've learnt to say no to the constant stream of cakes and biscuits in the staff room.

I've learnt about portion control because if it's on my plate I will eat it.

I've learnt not to eat when I'm bored.

I haven't denied myself the things I enjoy though.

I still have full fat mayonnaise - I'm with big Monica from Friends on that one.

I still have fish and chips - occasionally - but I watch the portion size.

I know I could cut out every 'bad' food and eat a lot less and lose more weight a lot quicker. But, I also know I would be miserable.

Anyway, slowly but surely is working for me and over the last three months.....

.....a stone of weight has gone!


To be honest I have been beating myself up a bit over the time it has taken so I thought I would look back to see what that stone actually meant.

Here are some images from a previous update post lined up with today's post workout pics...

 

Now onto shifting the next stone.

x x x

Blogging identities

I've had this blog on the go now for 14 months and a lot has changed in that period of time. I started out as the classic SAHM blogger looking for a space to record family life, bakes, crafts and the odd vent. I didn't think much about the blog name at the time but it suited the content - except I have never blogged about the town I live in. I obviously fell under the 'mummy blogger' label and I have no issues with that - I have met some awesome bloggers through this and have established new friendships.

Now I'm back to work, the children are both at school and the husband is trying to get a business up and running. Stress levels are running high. Blogging gives me an outlet in the vast and wonderful world of the interweb but I feel my identity is shifting. I feel restricted on Melksham Mum. It doesn't give me the space to be just me. So I have a different stage for this.

Here...

Crazy?! Maybe.

I'll still be here for my family stuff, motherhood moans, Pinaddicts and other linkys but I'll also be over there. Being just me.

Please, feel free to pop in and say hi.

x x x

 

Sparkle needed

The new term is underway at work but for some reason I am already shattered. I am normally refreshed and raring to go first week back but this term I think my on switch has got stuck. Maybe it's the weather and the cold? This doesn't normally bother me though. I must sleep this weekend. Recharge the old batteries and all that.

Being back at work and with the children back at school means the housework - gah - piles up and Saturday turns into chore day. Not much fun for anyone. I must get more organised in the week.

I need some sparkle to brighten up the dull days and dark nights.

We had some fireworks in the garden last weekend. That went some way to brighten up the darkness.

Edith and Alban watched from the safety of the conservatory. These being the same children who love the firework extravaganza at Camp Bestival being unsure of a few garden fireworks! Kids.

 

So, how can I get some sparkle in my life on these dull, dark Autumn / Winter days?

 

(Camp Bestival not our back garden)

 

x x x

Happiness, weight loss and cookies?!?

It has always been an issue with me - being happy with myself.

Being a SAHM had its issues - I felt I needed to do more.

Being a working mum has its issues - the guilt at not being there for anything and everything.

Lately it has been the realisation that I am not happy with my body and my weight - but then who is?

It has taken me a while to accept that change won't happen without any input on my part. In the past I have thrown myself into a diet plan only to fail within weeks. I just don't think I was ready. Something didn't switch in my brain.

But now that 'something' has switched.

Being back at work doing a job I love and working with a great bunch of people, with whom I am looking forward to getting to know better and hopefully establish a social life with, has helped loads.

That crucial decision at the end of the summer to get off my arse and assess what I eat and drink has made a HUGE difference. My mind is working differently too. I now stop and think about food presented to me. I have to - the school staff room is never ideal for people watching their calorie intake.

Now I ask myself 'Do I really need that slab of cake that holds over 300 calories and is packed full of butter and sugar?' That doesn't mean I deny myself treats. Calorie counting works really well for me as it allows me to balance what I eat and drink then I can see where I can have a treat. If you look at my Fitness Pal entries you will find jam tarts, Nutella cookies and mugs of Chai tea lattes. But, these are now my treats NOT my daily elevenses and mid afternoon snacks.

http://www.gourmetmum.tv/easy-recipes/nutella-cookies.html

Anyhow. I am still a way off my ideal weight goal and body size but for the first time I feel I am able to stay on the road to it. A little of the above balanced with a lot of sensible choices and working up a sweat is starting to give me more of the results I am HAPPY to see!

Don't forget to find #theshreddies on Twitter for some more motivation!

If you are on My Fitness Pal and want to find me I am vivmelkshammum

x x x

 

BAM!

I don't normally post at this time of the day but I wanted to get this out there.

I've done it.

I've smashed it.

I've driven through the wall.

The scales have shifted!

Yes, I know, I'm still the weight of a baby elephant but that 11 stone marker has gone. For now.

Now the goal is to keep it gone.

For good.

Oh, and apologies for the state of my nail polish!

x x x

Weight loss and workout frustrations

You may be aware by now that I have been on a bit of a kick to work out, cut the calories and lose some weight. Well I have been working out, I have been cutting the calories and I have lost some weight. Now BAM! I have hit THE WALL.

I dropped 6lbs over the first three weeks by dropping to 1200 calories a day - tough at first but now it's my norm - and by doing a daily session of the 30 Day Shred. I saw results as blogged about here.

Now? I AM FED UP.

I am fed up with working my arse off every evening and looking a right state like this...

(clearly another great mug shot worthy of a place in Spike and Heels' #OperationHideous gallery)

...only to stand on the scales in the morning and constantly see 11st 1lb staring back at me. I also beat myself up further by standing on the scales at the end of the day when I am heavier. Why??!!!!

Some lovely Twitter folk gave me a lesson in basic fat to muscle weight changes, inch loss and metabolism but still I AM FED UP!

How does Weight Watchers work?! Do the participants not exercise? If I was part of such a weight loss programme surely I would be laughed out of every weekly weigh in and deemed a failure?

Someone said just IGNORE THE SCALES. But, I admit it, I am obsessed with them. I want to see results. In numbers in front of my eyes, not just on a tape measure.

I know I need to celebrate the successes of losing 6lbs and inches from the waist and hips but what if that suddenly stops? THEN WHAT?!!?

Somebody tell me it will be worth it. Somebody tell me I WILL see a 10st something appear on my scales.

Please.

x x x

Nerves and stuff

In about 40 hours time I will be sat on an overcrowded train, no doubt having had to scowl at someone sat in my booked seat, on my way to London to meet loads of beautiful, crazy, talented - delete as appropriate or insert your own description - bloggers at BritMums Live. A year ago I had no idea about the world of blogging and would only have dreamt about getting on a train to the capital, sharing a hotel room with someone I've met twice and going out to dinner with strangers. Man I have changed over the past twelve months.

Or have I? My confidence has grown in some respects but deep down I am an extremely shy person who panics about saying the right thing, embarrasses easily and gets 'lost' in a crowd.

I am currently a bag of nerves.

I feel I 'know' the people I will be meeting, the majority of which for the first time, and know that they know lots about me. But they don't know the real me. The insecure one.

I have been in a ridiculous panic about what to wear and even had to call in the services of MoVo and NotSoSlummy to hold my hands to the shops. Again, worrying what others will think of me. Why?!

So, if you see me - I'll be in an orangey patterned dress, which is a lot nicer than it sounds - please come and say hi and I will try and string some words together to have a conversation with you. Also, if you see me heading towards the bar area before 4 p.m. please stop me as I will only drink too much to calm my nerves and suitably embarrass myself.

Cheers!

x x x