It's 8.15 on a sunny Spring Sunday morning. The birds are singing and I just want to open the window and SCREEEEEEAAAAAAAAM. Loudly. But I won't. I'll just let it build up in my head.
I went downstairs to make a cup of tea and sit for a while. On my own. Two minutes later the husband has sent the children down. I'm annoyed at this. I feel like the Pied Piper with a trail of children behind me all the time. I am now back upstairs banging these words out while they are in my head before the children realise I am not within 2 metres of them. All I want now is space. And peace. And quiet. I'm not going to get it. The husband is in work today. Tomorrow I have planned to take the children to Sheffield to see their big cousins. Right now the thought of driving them all that way in the confined space of a car makes me want to poke cocktail sticks in my eyes.
I feel suffocated. That's the word I've been looking for all this time when discussing things arguing with the husband. Why has it only just come to me now? I feel suffocated by being a mum and all that it entails. I am fed up with everything being on me. Childcare, school run, washing, ironing, cleaning, supermarket shop, taxi for clubs. Child is ill - I have to sort out the logistics for getting the other one to school, preschool, clubs.... Husband stays out - I'm here for the children.
I resent his freedom. The freedom to decide he'll just pop into the pub on the way home from work. The freedom to say he's going out with his work. The freedom to not come back and stay out all night. The freedom to go out on a 'quick' bike ride. The freedom to go to work during the holidays. Sometimes I feel it's avoidance.
I think I've been suffering from SAHMitis, a common condition I fear, where Mums, or Dads, that stay home get fed up. Simple as that. But after the Easter holiday I will no longer be carrying that title, I'll be going back to work 5 mornings a week. So what's my title now? Working Mum I guess. Will that give me the perks of freedom that Working Dad has? I doubt it very much for I'll be working part time. Bringing in a few extra pennies for the household pot. The children will still be my responsibility pretty much 100%.
I know I made the choice, with my husband, to have children and I would never change that. My children are my world. I know there are women absolutely desperate to have children whom, for whatever reason, it is never going to happen. I thank God that I have never had to go through that emotional turmoil. Reading this article in yesterday's Guardian made me feel guilty at first for all of the above, then it annoyed me. Yes, I had the choice to have children and was blessed to get pregnant when I wanted to. But Motherhood is a damn sight harder than I ever dreamed it would be and I have the right to have a bloody good moan about it without being made to feel guilty about it. I apologise if that sounds harsh but if I didn't moan I would be an absolute wreck and a pretty shitty mother. Which I am not. I am a good mother but at times I find it suffocating.
Here endeth the moaning. For now.
Thanks for listening x
I would love to hear your opinions on the Guardian article and any of the above.
You just summed up how I feel sometimes. Hubby decides what he's doing after work and weekends and I fit in. I'm lucky and he will have the kids to give me a break but only when he has nothing else on and sometimes these occasions are months apart and usually when I've had a foot stamping strop about it. The answer I get is "I'd love to be at home with the boys all day". And I do love it. I wouldn't want to go back to work, but no matter how much you love something you still need a break from it once in a while!
ReplyDeleteThanks x My OH wouldn't love to be home with the children! He does occasionally say "I couldn't do what you do" which is his way of saying "well done, you're doing a good job!"
DeleteI completely understand where you're coming from. I work four days a week and on Tuesday evening when I leave work my colleagues say "Have a nice day off" I want to shout it's not a day off actually it's a day at home with my 2 year old son who will want my undivided attention when I also have to wash and iron clothes, tidy the house, hoover, do the shopping, get the evening meal ready etc etc etc. I "treat" myself every couple of months to a days annual leave on a Thursday or Friday when my son is in nursery so I can have a day on my own - it's the only way I keep myself sane. Sending hugs your way and know you are definitely not the only one who feels this way xxx
ReplyDeleteIt's almost impossible to get a work/life balance isn't it? You're either at paid work or family work! Thanks for your comment x
DeleteI completely understand your rant! I feel just the same as you sometimes, I have always needed my own space but obviously now with two kids I get less than ever! I think we all need time and space on our own to get our energy back which you are obviously not getting enough of.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, you are not moaning about being a mum like the woman who wrote the article doesn't like. You are tired and angry because you don't have the space you need for yourself! Big difference! I am sure if you could have essential breaks and time to yourself, you would enjoy being a mum and doing mum things more.
Hope you get that break soon x
Thanks x I do have BritMums as a weekend away...in 12 weeks! Looking forward to that. Would be nice to do something more regularly though! Thanks for commenting x
DeleteGlad typing this out made you feel better, we all go through Grrrr and scream stages and quite quickly come out the other end pretty much forgettig about it. Being a parent is hard work, I am typing this reply whilst Oscar is doing an impression of Ben from Outnumbered waffling madly and I can't think straight so will end the reply now ;-/ nearly....
ReplyDeleteBut go enjoy the sunshine, a cup of earl grey and do a bug hunt or hide loads of things in the garden for your two to find while you sit in your gorgeous shed shouting hot or cold.
Have a good day, you will xxxx
Ooooh, I love that idea! Earl Grey always calms me down x Thanks for the comment, sensible words of wisdom, as always x
DeleteIf it helps, when you look back at this time of your life, you will know things were hard, but the details will have blurred and won't hurt so much.
ReplyDeleteIt's brilliant what time can do
Thank you. It's strange because I would never change this time if I could and you are so right about looking back x
DeleteI feel you. I dont know if I'm just going through a season where I feel like this or if I'm having a PND dip, either way I want to run away.
ReplyDeleteI was cross at the dismissive way the lady in the Guardian seemed to address depression, I certainly don't "sprinkle Prozac unto my special k" infact it was a very tough decision for me.
I wouldn't negate her pain so I don't expect her to do that to others...
I have days where I would like to run and hide. It's peaks and troughs really, but then I guess thats what parenting is going to constantly be full off. Hope you're feeling better again soon x
DeleteTrapped. That's the word I've been using. And it sucks.
ReplyDeleteDon't know if a part-time job (even if I could get one) would help. Just want some time off! Are we being selfish? I feel like I am. And ungrateful? Sometimes.
Hope you can get a break too :)
Trapped is a good word. No we are not being selfish, WE need a break occasionally. Thanks for commenting x
DeleteTrapped. That's the word I've been using. And it sucks.
ReplyDeleteDon't know if a part-time job (even if I could get one) would help. Just want some time off! Are we being selfish? I feel like I am. And ungrateful? Sometimes.
Hope you can get a break too :)
I'm at home with my ADHD son who is out of school at present all day every day. I have three other kids 18-12.. I adore my kids, they are my life. BUT. It's the but. I am not going to read the article. From the emotions coming off your post and the comments I suspect it will wind me up. Everyone is allowed to feel fed up, trapped bored. Mothering is bloody hard work. Working mothering (which I have done just nbot know) is bloody hard work and ridden with guilt and frustration and resentment. You get through how you can girl, it's all you can do. Just because your having (in the words of my son) "a moment" does not mean you have to justify your love for your family. Not even to yourself. It you didn't you wouldn't be there putting in the hours. It OK to be FED UP now and again.
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU. Everything you say makes sense. I find blogging so good as a channel to rant otherwise my relationship with my OH would be seriously rocky. No we shouldn't have to justify our feelings but that article made me feel I needed to.
DeleteDon't read it x x
Rant away! It's healthy and makes us all feel human again :D Here's to a weekend away in 12 weeks time and good luck with your return to work my curlygal buddy xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks lovely x I'm counting the days! x x
ReplyDeleteHi Viv, so relate to this post! It can feel overwhelming at times, the constant neediness - even though it can be wonderful to feed needed and loved too. My husband was saying that he couldn't really talk to me in the car while he was concentrating on driving recently, and I realised that was a brilliant analogy for what it feels like to be in a mums head - we are constantly checking the mirrors for our children, I find it so impossible to switch off, always aware that they might be in need or in danger and I need to give them 50% of my brain at all time. I'm hoping this gets easier as I get more used to 'driving' and they get more self-aware (they are 1 and 4...)
ReplyDeleteAnd goodness that article you linked to provoked a lot of chat on twitter yesterday too. Such a difficult tone to take on board, even though she came from such a sad and in many ways valid place. Admire her honesty, not so sure about her criticism of others.
Looking forward to reading more of your posts!
I think every Mum feels this at some point in Motherhood. Personally I have found my two year old hard in the days, since Christmas he stopped his afternoon nap which I used to like just for a bit of 'me' time. And he seems to be developing this thing where he becomes my shadow all day which REALLY frustrates me! I have forgotten what it is like to flipping have a wee without him walking in.
ReplyDeleteBut like you say I love him to bits, and wouldn't change it!
And wow that's a powerful article!
I feel that claustrophic feeling too sometimes. Tends to come in waves for me where for a few days I think I can't do this day in and day out, then it eases and I think I wouldn't want to do anything else.
ReplyDeleteMaybe because you know things will change when you start work it makes this bit now a bit unbearable. Like the last days before a vacation when you're at the end of your tether and everything is ten times worse.
I'm rambling, but just wanted to say I understand and feel overwhelmed by it all myself sometimes too.
Funny that you've written this Viv because when I was texting you on Sunday I'd 'run away'. The kids and husband were driving me bonkers so after lunch I said 'I'm going out' and I went to an art gallery for the afternoon and then to the cinema by myself. My husband did an OK job of looking after them (admittedly they had no duvet covers on their beds - they'd been on the line), they'd been fed and watered and were in bed. It did us all good. Husband got to spend some time with the kids without me butting in, I spent some time on my own and felt refreshed and we all appreciated each other a little more.
ReplyDeleteTaking a break makes you a better mum.
As for the woman in the Guardian article, I feel very sorry for her but life is not fair and moaning occasionally doesn't mean you don't appreciate what you have. She's right we should all be thankful for our children, but we should also give ourselves a pat on the back now and then. See you the weekend after next!!!
An art gallery and the cinema sounds like bliss. May have to drive a way to find those! I need to do more things for myself though. Maybe I should head up your way more often?! X
DeleteSome days are just crappy. So sorry it's been one of those but at least we know it goes away eventually and having a new job will be a great distraction and change of scene. Big hugs in the meantime. x
ReplyDeleteIt's funny isn't it? Kids are our life AND our job. Whether you are a SAHM or a working mum, motherhood is still the main job, so you need to get to moan about the stuff that drives you nuts or you would go nuts. It's ok to moan. And just because you do, it doesn't mean that you would have things differently. Clearly other mums get it. Sometimes I think it is hard for husbands, partners whatever, to get it.
ReplyDelete