40 things to do before 40

I woke up on January 1st panicking about two things; this year I am 40 and next year my baby girl starts Secondary School.
There is nothing I can do about either of them - although the girl keeps mentioning wanting to be home schooled but that it is not a realistic option.
I cannot hold back time but I can enjoy it. So, somewhat predictably, and maybe a bit late in the day seeing as there are only 248 days left until I hit the big four zero, I have created a 40 things to do before 40 list.
As tempting as it was to add Go to New England, Move house, Leave my job I have tried to keep it achievable and realistic!

Musing on a Monday {It's oh so quiet}

It is 11 o'clock as I sit and type my latest Musing on a Monday entry - and my first post of 2016 - and the realisation of the empty, quiet house has just hit me. The alarm awoke me from my less than restful sleep at 7 a.m. and it was time to get back into the weekly routine of school and work following 16 mornings of blissful waking up as and when we liked. Ironically, following a very wet and grey Christmas break, the sun is shining - perfect weather for a family day out. Typical. Once I had awoken the reluctant girl, and the, "I actually want to be back to school as I get to see my friends again," boy, packed lunches, made breakfast and went through the morning motions of the school run I was back in an empty house. I did a 30 day shred workout, washed up, unloaded the washing machine, loaded the tumble dryer, made a cup of tea, sat and wrote a list of what I need to do today but constantly the quietness enveloped me just a little too much. There was a time I craved this, needed it, could only survive with it but today I want my house full of the chatter of the children, the mess they make, the hugs available on tap.
Maybe I'm in denial; trying to hold back the time as my back to school day looms, peeking it's unwelcoming head around the corner.
Maybe I'm freaking out about the passing of time in general; I hit 40 this year, something that I am actually struggling with although I keep telling myself it's just a number and the world will keep on turning when that momentous day comes and goes.
Maybe I'm being selfish.
Maybe I need to re-evaluate my outlook again.

Musing on a Monday {I hear the ticking of a clock}

I sit in a quiet house and despite its physical absence I hear the ticking of a clock.
I walk past a frosty field seeing the shift of time from Autumn to Winter.

I stand in my girl's room and remember a heavily pregnant me sitting, pausing and wondering how much my life was about to change .
I watch my boy sleeping in the exact same position he did as a baby and am transported back to cots and babygros.
I spot my girl cosy in the armchair; headphones plugged in, laptop on and recall her sat on my lap; nursery rhymes playing and picture books being read.
I watch them both leave me at the school gate and remember how they used to need me to walk them in to their classrooms.
I listen as my girl confidently explains subordinate clauses and remember her Jolly Phonics home learning drawing pictures beginning with 's'.
I listen to my boy's teachers tell me how he confidently speaks to the whole of the class and recall a boy who would clam up every time it was his turn for show and tell.

I see my girl brushing her own hair and tying it up ready for school not needing any of my assistance.
I inwardly cry as my boy shakes my arm off as we walk off the rugby pitches.
I see them growing up day by day and ache for time to stand still.

I catch a glance in the mirror and notice the tell tale signs that I am into my fortieth year on this planet.
I panic that time is passing by way too quickly.
I struggle with the 6a.m. work alarms knowing that my priorities shift from family to work.
I catch my breath at the thought of having to apply for secondary school places next year.
I inwardly cringe at the times I used to moan at being a SAHM but would now return to that life in an instant.

I want to take the batteries out of the ticking clock.

x x x 

Broody at 38

Bloggers: Do you ever go back go over old blog posts and smile to yourself at the words you wrote and the feelings you expressed?
I did the same very recently.
I stumbled across my post, Cluck, written back in February 2012.
In it I wrote about being broody and there was a list of Ifs.. regarding a third baby.
Reading them now makes me smile.
Some of them make me laugh. Very loudly.
Let's take a look...

Then
If I had another baby I'm back 4 years on the whole work front so financially we struggle again.
Now
Ha! Starting up a new business - the husband - has strained the bank balance quite a bit and throw in the increased costs of living and...you get the point. Lots of us are struggling. On paper can many of us actually 'afford' more children?

Then

If I had another baby it would be squished in with it's big brother or sister in their rooms - the girl likes her independence and the boy's room is the size of a box.

Now

So what??! I shared a room with my sister and my brother at various times in my childhood. Heck, I was the youngest of five children living in a three bed bungalow! You just get on with it kids!

 

Then

If I had another baby I would probably get even fatter and fall into a bigger cycle of self loathing.

Now

Wow! I know I'm not the most positive person out there but 'self loathing'?? I've also proven to myself a bit of exercise and fewer cakes makes a great difference to whether I stay 'fatter' or not.

 

Then

If I had another baby I would have to juggle feeding, nappies and naps with the school run - heck, I would have to go out at 8.30 and 3.00 regardless of whether my boobies were leaking or not.

Now

I'm quite surprised at this one as I like to feel I am the master of organising. However, the kiddos were two years younger then and it did take an age to get out of the door. Now they are more independent and my juggling skills are much improved. And as for leaking boobs? Who cares? Anyone?!

 

 

We move on nearly two years to the present day and the broodiness has crept back. Massively.

Ironically we, as a couple, feel more emotionally ready for a baby than we did 8 and 6 years ago yet financially things have flipped.

I look on Instagram and my feed seems to be full of babies with mums in a similar position and age to me. Yes, I know IG, and social media in general, can gloss over the crap bits - whack on a good filter and we all look like we're having a ball. But still, every little face that pops out when I scroll down makes me take another gulp.

 

But am I being selfish?

There would be a big age gap between my two kiddos and any future baby. My two make a great team, will a third child ever get a look in with them?

I know couples who have struggled to conceive one, let alone two, children. Should I accept that I have been extremely fortunate to have two healthy children and just let things be?

 

Then

I should be thankful I have those two. They are my world and I think it's pretty fulfilled with just the two of them.

Now

Fulfilled - my word for 2015.

I posted recently;

I want to find fulfilment in 2015.
Fulfilment in my family.

 

x x x

Class

This week the Great British class calculator has been doing the rounds with people either gloating, being despondent or genuinely surprised at its results. I obviously had to have a go, and I may have secretly started to compare myself to other results I saw floating about online. One interesting thing I discovered was that people I knew were spanning the whole seven groups from Elitist to Precariat. Make what you like from that.

If you're interested I came out slap bang in the middle as a New Affluent Worker which apparently makes me 'young, from a working class background and a home owner'. Well, one of those is definitely right; I'm a houseowner. I don't know what the criteria for 'young' is but I feel I may have shifted out of that one by now. And as for the class? I remember my sociology A-level tutor making the statement that I was middle class due to my dad being an accountant. A sweeping generalisation maybe and I don't how true that really was. I was however raised comfortably, my dad worked hard and funded my university education, a fact my husband has always used to have a dig at me, we went to National Trust properties, we were season ticket holders at Norwich City Football Club, we had holidays on the North Norfolk coast - never going abroad as my dad would say "There's far too many lovely places to see in our country". All in all a balanced upbringing not wanting for much.

Are you going to Brit Mums Live?!

It's not that long now until BritMumsLive 2012! Whoop-de-whoop!

I would be telling a big fat porky if I said I wasn't a bit shy or nervous about going but luckily I have some other bloggers to hold my hand on the underground - thanks SAHDandproud and Motherventing!

Luckily someone has come up with a fab Q&A meme about the whole event to put us all at ease.

The Ultimate Brit Mums Meme was started off by Claire from A Boy With Asperger's and I've been tagged by the super fit Bod For Tea

Q: What’s your blog title/URL and how long have you been blogging?
My blog is http://www.melkshammum.blogspot.com and I've been blogging since July 2011.

Q: Will Britmums Live be your first blogging conference?
Sort of, yes. I went to Blog Camp Bristol last October and met some of my favourite bloggers but this is my first proper overnighter!

Q: Did you bag yourself a sponsor?
Erm, no. Noone has banged at my blog door offering their money so I'm funding this myself my husband is funding this one.

Q: Are you attending both days?
Oh yes!

Q: What are you most looking forward to about the conference?
Meeting up with Motherventing and The Lovebump again and finally getting the chance to meet SAHDandproud, NotSoSlummy, LagosMum and loads others!!

Q: Are you wearing Branded Clothing (your sponsors brand)?
Erm no. My husband's clothes would look rubbish on me.

Q: What is your planned style for this event?
Style?! Me? *snorts* I will probably arrive in a fluster wearing my work clothes from the morning - so sensible trousers, top & flats. I will be packing more trousers / jeans / flats / flip flops for the Saturday. Maybe a pair of heels and something a bit more glam for the evenings - watch this space.

Q: Are you hoping to be nominated for a BiB award?
I have!!! Squeals.

Q: If so what category?
I've been shortlisted for Fresh Voice if you want to chuck a vote my way x x

Q: Will you be looking to network with Brands?
 I'm not sure really. I'm seeing it more of an experience to learn more about the blogosphere and meet some fabulous people.

Q: What do you hope to walk away having gained from the conference?
An armful of swag. New friendships, fresh ideas and probably a stinking hangover.

Q: Will you be dressing up in the toilets for the Friday night BiBs?
What's your idea of dressing up?! I will put the feelers out to see what everyone is planning to wear so I do not look either over or under dressed.

Q: Are you speaking at the conference and if so when, where and how do you feel about doing so?Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.......no.

Q: Will you be joining in the early morning bloggercise on the Saturday?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.......no.

Q: What speakers are you most looking forward to listening to?
I really hope get there in time on the Friday to hear Ruby Wax. On the Saturday I will be checking out the Daddy Bloggers!

Q: What workshops will you be attending on the Friday (Day 1)
Probably the Discussion Den: Can you really have it all?

Q: What Workshops being held on the Saturday (Day 2) have grabbed your attention?
Photography, using Facebook and the Daddy Bloggers.

Q: Are you booked into a hotel for the Friday night, if yes which one?
I'm booked into The Hoxton and my roomie is Motherventing!

Q: Will you be looking for after party drinks?
Errr.....yes.

Q: Are you worried about not knowing anyone or being confident and socialising on the day?
Errr.....yes, to the confident bit. I'm a bit scared of how I'll come across in real life as people may have built up some amazing picture of me! Or not.

Q: What are you most likely to be found doing while attending Britmums Live?
Drinking tea before 6p.m. Drinking cider after 6p.m. Giggling nervously. Trying to look confident!

Now here's the rules... basically copy the questions and answer them, link back to A Boy With Asperger's and there is a linky there so we can all find each other and learn a bit more. Then tag a few more people to join in. 

I think loads of you have done this already but I'll try @thelovebump @SAHDandproud @LagosMum

If you see me - I'll be the one with the eighties curls - come and say hello!

x x x
 

A Cherry On Top!

The gorgeous Super Amazing Mum - I'm not just saying that, she is gorgeous, look here! - has passed the award/meme baton on to little old me! The Cherry On Top Award is what, I think, it's called and here are the rules:

• Thank the person who tagged you
• List 3 things you love about yourself
• Post a picture that you love
• Pass this onto 5 bloggers you love

So, Super Amazing Mum, I thank you for the tag and I hope to meet you one day so you can give me a lesson in red lipstick as I haven't mastered the shade or application! Anyway, moving on to me and what I love about myself.....

Hmmmmmmm.

 

Apologies, have just sat here for a LOOOOOONG time trying to think of something. I could write 3,333 things that I don't love about myself but this is meant to be a happy post with cherries!

Right, be positive, here goes:

1. I love that I gave up my career to stay at home with my scrumptious children. Yes, I've mumbled about this in the past but it was the right thing to do. So well done me. *pats self on back*
2. I love that I am finally trying something new and learning new skills with the use of my sewing machine - with the support of the #pinaddicts girls - and that I am being more confident about meeting new people soon! < some of those #pinaddicts girls and loads of you lovelies at BritMums live! (I'll be the shy one in the corner)
3. I love myself for pushing, quite literally, for a VBAC with my son. Yes, I failed with the inability to turn down the drugs and I was out of it while they ventoused him out, BUT I beat the midwives 'threats' of "If you're not dilated 3 cm by midnight we'll cart you off to theatre" Ha!

Ok, a picture that I love. I have loads, but here's one I really love - a rare one with the husband in it!

This was the summer of 2009 which I spent doing loads with the little ones who were 3 and 1. The three of us went to Cornwall to stay with the in-laws - who have now buggered off moved to a wreck barn in France. We did loads of camping and life was happier and less stressful then it is now. *sighs*

Moving on then. Just Five of the bloggers I love to pass the award onto.....

The very awesome Kerry over at Life As I Know It.

The beautiful haired Jess over at Mum2BabyInsomniac

My future roomie Motherventing

And two bloggers I'm really looking forward to meeting in June, SAHDandproud and JustAboveAverageMum

Go and check them out  x x